Thought and Emotion: The tortoise and the hare of reaction

With Mother's Day approaching and Father's Day close on its heels, this article, originally written three years ago, seems more pertinent
ant than ever now that we are a mother and father as well as a couple and communication is even more important (and easier to make mistakes with). The article has been updated to include the changes in relationship that a baby brings.
 
During premarital counselling, Steve and I seemed to impress our councillors. Lech started off our introductory visit by warning us that he and Paulina (his wife) would discontinue the sessions and refuse to marry us if they felt we were not serious about counselling, our relationship, and the work required to create and maintain a good relationship. We had both been interested in effective communication and how to be emotionally healthy and aware for some time, so we had both done a lot of work already before seeing Lech and Paulina. Their enthusiasm for our visits came, I think, in part from the fact that they had found people who were, like them, interested and practiced in above-average communication and, as they had said, in true commitment.
 
One of the most important maxims of dealing with other people that we had learned was that emotion travels faster than thought. Knowing this can make a huge difference in how you react to situations, comments, and people. We become so comfortable with our partner that we tend to be a bit more reactive to things he or she says or does. Politeness keeps us from snapping at most of our friends and coworkers, but familiarity removes certain layers of formality and etiquette with our significant others. This is really the opposite of how we should treat the special person in our life. Why reserve better treatment for strangers and acquaintances than for the person we spend most of our time and our life with? As a caregiver for our children, we spend even more time with a single person, one who has not yet learned the intricacies of daily life and human interactions and so can cause more chance of frustration and less-than-ideal communication techniques. As our family dynamic expands and our work load increases, effective communication is an even greater requirement.
 
In a tense, tired or frustrated moment, if we can recognize that the immediate reaction we want to act on is emotion and is "knee jerk", we can put it aside, think about that response and decide whether we want to act on our emotions or stay calm and communicate or discipline in a way that is consistent with our philosophies and how we wan to teach our children to react, communicate and engage with others. Once the emotional material is out of the way, it is easier to be rational and really think the situation, suggestion, or comment through that has triggered a response. This gives us more control over what we experience and how we respond. Being in control of your emotions and reactions is far more pleasant than being at the whim of them. The resulting communication is far more effective, calm, and satisfying for everyone involved.
 
Emotions, of course, are real and should not be dismissed. They should not, though, rule your life. Words and actions from others elicit immediate, involuntary thoughts and emotions. When we have these thoughts and emotions repeatedly and experience them without analyzing them, we create feelings. Because the feelings are repeated and accepted, feelings become our beliefs, and these beliefs create our behaviour. A person and her behaviour are two different things, and you can see from the evolution of this process that if we look at our emotions and keep them from interfering with our communication, we can ultimately control our behaviour with (relative) ease.
 
Modifying our behaviour is far more difficult than learning behaviour. Most of us are stumbling though life trying to make the best of what we have been given and taught in terms of communication. Knowing how society treats children and that as children we are spoken to as children, almost not even as humans yet, it is not surprising that many of us have not been taught constructive, useful tools to help us communicate. Transformation takes time and practice, of course, and knowing this piece of information is the first step to making a change and improving your relationships. Imagine the gift you are giving your child if you are able to help her with these skills as early as birth and during the crucial preschool years. Be a model of calm, effective communication for a younger generation, and take the time to explain interactions to your children in different contexts, pointing out what you think of how you or another person acted or spoke. Your work will pay off and your child will, hopefully, thank you for it later.

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