Sex After Baby

Not just post-partum - we're talking years!

When I asked at Baby Group last year, when all our babies were 6-9 months old, "Who here is having sex more than twice a week?" I was answered with a short silence, some uncomprehending stares, and then a chorus of "Not me"s, punctuated with a "Not me. And we are engaged!"
 
The following week we started to talk about not currently sleeping in the same room or bed as our husband. One mom said that people are surprised and shocked to hear this, but pointed out that you pretty much have to right now. That is, if Papa wants to get any sleep before going to work in the morning. Then the engaged mom from the previous week turned to me and said, "I still can't believe that you are having sex. . ." and someone else followed with, "I know; twice a week!?!"
 
The reasons given at the time for not having sex was finding time to put aside for it. I have always found that it is the energy. And now that it is a year later, it seems to just not be a priority anymore. I have wondered why, since this is a big part of what makes your partner your partner and not just a friend. It sometimes feels like we are business partners these days rather than life partners, but I do make myself commit to some lovin' as often as I can (which is not often twice a week any more, sad to say), and I am always glad when I do.
 
While the initial 6-week waiting period after birth that your midwife recommends is to give the lochia (the bleeding that signals the emptying of the uterus) time to stop and decrease the chance of infection, there are other reasons why we don't think about or even want sex any more when our babies are now 1 ½-year-old toddlers. After much consideration, I have discovered that for myself, it is mainly a physical matter, while other moms have described changes in their emotional needs.
 
During a CBC interview, a woman who was going to cross the Pacific with her husband on a one-room, smallish boat said that she looked forward to the challenge of being with one other person in such a small space for 3 months and not having any privacy. When I heard her say those words, "no privacy," I realized that this is exactly what I have been experiencing since Natasha was born. I am with her all the time, everyday, except for the few hours Steve gets to take her out some weekends. The relationship with a toddler is still so physical based that I don't want any more physicality. I have also noticed that on days when Natasha needs non-stop attention (these days are not as frequent as they used to be), I end up feeling that I just don't want to be needed anymore, and sex does not feel like the shared need that it used to.
 
Talking to another mom, she made the privacy observation more specific and said that we have no "body privacy." While breastfeeding means you have even less body privacy, even if you are not still nursing, your toddler is always with you, with as much body contact as possible - a handful of pant leg while you are trying to walk, at the very least!
 
While I have discovered these physical reasons (not to mention the fact that I still have some discomfort "Down There"), another mom shared her emotional changes since having a baby. She says, "For me, before [our baby] was born I channelled almost all my desire to be loved and to give love though my husband, which was sex. My desire to give love and be loved is now filled by [our child]. I feel like that emotional need from my husband has now matured - or so I am trying to convince myself. So when we do - on the very rare occasion - have sex it is not an emotional need but one of higher love. Chessy? Maybe it's me trying to convince myself on why I don't want to feel guilty."
 
Guilt sure does factor into our feelings around this issue, especially when our husbands don't seem to have changed in the same way. And with all the advertising we are subjected to that encourages sexual behaviour and desire and a never-satisfied libido, it is no wonder we have confused feelings about this area of our relationship.
 
Another mom, who is over the guilt of the issue (good for her!) said that her pre-baby community was made up of her husband and her colleagues, but after baby came, her new life brought with it a new community. The group of mostly women (other moms) who now make up her social circle fulfill her emotional and spiritual needs. She is still happy to be with her husband and spend time with him, but the relationship has changed and they both have accepted this and continued with their new roles.
 
The key, as you have certainly read already, is to keep talking and communicating. It seems like Steve and I have a real conversation about our feelings as infrequently as we have sex these days, but when we do make time and the effort to do it, we always clear the air and feel closer after. If you are not in the mood for sex, try a heart-to-heart conversation instead, whether it is on the topic of sex or not, and see where this leads. And once in a while, convince yourself to just go ahead and get it on with your man - honest, you'll be glad you did!

photo courtesy of Fairfield Photography

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