The Lost Wisdom of Mamas

Our strange state of parenting

We are 3 weeks (or is it 4? I've lost count from lack of sleep) into a new phase in our almost-2-year-old's life.  What started as teeth (her bottom molars have come in but we have not seen the top ones) then grew to include sudden separation anxiety that was not there the week before, crescendoed with a rash that woke us all up many times a night, and finally concluded with a mystery fatigue that gave our little ball of energy a ghostly pallor and another wave of crankiness has been persisting for weeks, leaving us all strained and exhausted.
 
I was prepared for the night waking of teeth coming in this time since her first-year molars bothered her at night. (Unfortunately, we were not aware of it at the time and our patience and sympathy were not with her during those two weeks a year ago.)  When the separation anxiety appeared and bothered her at night so that the blissful bed time that we had enjoyed for the previous four months disappeared, I was at a loss. Steve discovered that staying with her while she fell asleep worked, so I started to lie next to her on the floor next to the crib on a sleeping bag holding her hand. (A part of the routine that I am still doing, much to my chagrin, two weeks later.) Just a week or two before we had almost bought her a bed so that she could move out of the crib, that's how settled she was with the night-time routine. Now here we were regressing.
 
I did what any mom would do when faced with a sudden, unexplained change that is stressing her out even more than she is usually stressed. First, I Googled. I found out that separation anxiety at 2 years is not uncommon, and knew from readings during previous bouts of sleeplessness that leaving her to cry it out was not recommended when separation was the problem. I then emailed all the friends I had made in the last two years and asked if they had been through the same thing and if they had any advice. I did not hear much that was similar to our circumstances, but some moms were very generous with their advice and anecdotes about what has happened for them and their wee ones.
 
We finally did see the new teeth, and a trip to the doctor revealed a fungal cause to the rash and the probability that the rash is the culprit for her waking up (she was up at 4:00 every morning, rubbing her hands together furiously). We have a new cream for her skin, and the rash seems to be abating, though now pale skin, dark circles under the eyes and daily naps that are twice the length of her usual naps (I'm not complaining about that part) have replaced the previous symptoms. Hopefully another trip to the doctor will help ease her discomfort and our less-than-ideal days and nights.
 
What I was reminded of again with this latest change is how little I know about children and what to expect from their different phases. It is no secret that when you get used to one phase and are happily incorporating that into your daily schedule, it changes out of the blue and you have to get used to a whole new phase. People tell you this, but no one tells you what those phases are. Our culture is so baby-phobic and new mothers are so isolated from everyone that we don't see or hear about babies or children except in small doses, and for childless friends and couples, usually the less the better. Before becoming pregnant, I was not interested in babies or young children, though I always seemed to make a good connection with them during visits. A short visit is nothing compared to being a parent, though, and no matter how many friends or family members in your life have kids, you never have the experience and knowledge that they have and that you may think you have from your, ultimately, brief observations. It's one thing to read in a book about how to deal with a situation, it is another thing to put that theory to use when there is another person involved.
 
What is it that our culture has lost from parenting that keeps us in the dark like this? We have not lost our parenting instinct. It takes some time to find it, but with practice, we listen to our gut to figure out what is best for our kids and works best for everyone involved in each situation. What we have lost is our cultural parenting wisdom, a knowledge that can only be gained through experience. Instead of relying on our elders, family members and neighbours, we seek out "experts" for advice and help. 
 
Eventually we will all become experts with our own little ones as they grow and we continue to get to know them. I figure by the time Natasha is ready to leave home and start university, we may have her figured out. (Of course, she has to have herself figured out first.) For now we try to give her the language she needs to tell us what is going on in her body and how she is feeling so that we can help her. In the meantime, she will keep telling us what she does have the language for, namely that Baa Baa Black Sheep and Hey Diddle Diddle are the two greatest pieces of music ever written in the history of the world. We will soothe her and comfort her as best we can when we can (when we are not going crazy from the whining) and listen to her two CDs 7 times a day.
 
The good thing about phases is that they don't last. This too shall pass, and we will be wiser and more helpful to other parents and to ourselves and our daughter with a future phase with the wisdom we gain through this unfun time.

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