The Power and Salvation of Release

When words speak louder than actions

I am starting this writing at 2:00 pm on April 1st. Usually, this newsletter would have reached your inbox hours ago, the writing completed a day or two before. This month, though, I have been struggling to get much done, to find motivation, and in this case to find a topic.

This started about 6 weeks ago when some strange, powerful patterns in my behaviour and thinking were starting to form. I noticed that yoga was mentally hard to do, that my desire to pursue our regular activities was decreasing, and that my mood was growing darker and more negative. It was subtle at first, but has become more persistent and less ignorable as the weeks passed. My eating habits were deteriorating, with all my latent food issues resurfacing, something that has happened several times, much more than usual, over the last 8 months.

I kept trying to figure out what it was that was causing these feelings and the accompanying sense of lacking or longing. There was something missing in my life, but I could not figure out what it was. It seemed like it was spiritual, but I knew that there was a medical and emotional aspect to it as well.

the last two weeks have been especially bad, though after an acupuncture session when I told Liza that I was feeling a bit depressed lately seemed to boost me back up. Five days later, though, my mood plummeted again. Finally, this past Saturday as I sat in the bathtub with Natasha at 6:30 in the morning and trying again to figure out what the thing was that was causing me to feel depressed, I had a revelation. There is not some larger "thing" causing the feelings of depression, I am depressed. I have depression.

I think this was partly realizing and partly admitting what was going on. Thinking the thought itself created release, and that release trying to come out through tears as well as the physical lightness that I noticed. I was trying to not let Natasha see me cry (she has seen enough of this in her short life that I wanted to spare her another image of it), but hiding your face when you are facing a person in the bathtub is a difficult thing.

There were not many tears at the time, but I immediately felt better. I told Steve my thoughts later, and he just looked at me and said, "Duh." Looking at the way the last month or two have been, it is obvious now, but it was hard to see it and even harder to admit and come to terms with it. I suffered some depression during our pregnancy and have had some in my past, so I have been on guard against it for the last 2 years. As with many survivors of depression, I have been determined to not let myself fall into it again and not let it get a hold on me. I think, though, that I have been so busy trying to hold everything together and hold off any chance of depression that this was just adding to the tension, stress and pressure (societal and personal) over the last 2 years to be happy and competent in being a new mom, housekeeper, wife, and, oh yeah, don't forget to take care of yourself (who knew that caring for yourself could become a pressure item on your to-do list?).

As my doctor said this morning, all those different pressures create a "pressure cooker" atmosphere inside us. The connection of mind, spirit and body means that the pressure in the mind and spirit can manifest themselves in the body, and also accounts for my undefined sense that what I needed was part medical, part spiritual and part emotional. Dr Chandna also pointed out that once the lid comes off that pressure cooker, the steam is released, the pressure is off, and our equilibrium can start to come back to normal.

The release, for me, seems to need to happen recurrently. This morning I was having another dark mood, but it extended on to encompass all activities. I did not want to do anything. I said to Steve that I just felt like curling up into a ball and hiding in a cave. He asked what I meant, if it was physical (we have all been sick lately) and I said that no, I just did not want to do anything, see anyone, be anywhere.

He gave me some advice, having been through a very serious depression himself years ago. He said that I should do whatever I can to keep from going down the slope, because once you get to the bottom, it is very difficult to get out. He suggested I see people, do something. I said that I know (we've all done some reading on depression) and that I have been continuing with yoga, sewing, writing, work, parenting, socializing, keeping a regular schedule... what was missing? What could I add to supply the mysterious missing piece? And when the heck was I going to find time (never mind energy) to do it?

Within minutes, I started to feel better. Once again, speaking the words made the feelings disappear. Sometimes labelling or naming symptoms can backfire, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in the mind and body of the person they are bestowed to. But in this case, speaking the words has given me the power over my experiences.

There is no miracle cure for anything, and life can never be fixed or solved, only managed. These realizations and steps forward are only the beginning of healing. But now that I know what I am facing, I'm more prepared to face it head on and continue back to balance and contentment. I was looking for something to add, an activity or aspect, to life, but it turns out that, in this case, words speak louder than actions.

If this story sounds familiar about yourself or others, my strongest recommendation is to seek or offer support. A supportive, no-pressure environment has been the key to my realizing and accepting things for myself. Over 70% of North Americans suffer from depression, and the primary caregiver of a families children makes up a large number of those people. It is unfortunate that there is so much shame and silence around an issue that so many of us face. The more we talk about it, the less scary and, most likely, prevalent it will become. And once you do realize what is going on, seek help. Help can come through books, people, yoga and meditation, or physical healing. Try different things and see what works for you.

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