Parent Profile

Jan Picard - The three trimesters of parenting

Jan Picard has a theory. She sees three trimesters in parenting, just as we have three trimesters of pregnancy. Her credentials and research for this theory? She has raised three children (now between the ages of 28 and 18) and taught 16-18 year olds for the last 16 years. She points out that the books and theories on infant and child development follow an interesting time line: when we look at how a newborn changes, we start with weeks, then move to months, then as they become toddlers, it becomes half- and full-year changes and finally yearly changes. Jan's observations are that the final time frames are 6 year increments. She has seen three stages and uses terminology that equates the parenting and nurturing of a child with the growing of an in-utero baby: birth to age to age 6, 6 to 12, and finally 12 to 18.
 
Jan explains that the first six years are solely about protection, nurturing, and doing everything for our child. Because we are doing it all, we have total control of all aspects of their life, from learning, socializing and nutrition to providing for emotional needs. From 6 to 12 we protect physically and create and enforcing boundaries. We know where this age group is at all times, though they are starting to venture out into the world without us.
 
The second trimester, Jan warns, is when the person puts into action the trust, or distrust, that you have instilled through your actions and words to and about them in the first six years. As examples she asks, when you go out, do you constantly point out strangers and "bad people"? Do you react to a mess when you enter your 3-year-old's room with the exasperated or accusing question "What have you done!?!" Messages of "I don't trust you" or "you can't trust others" are imprinted in the first six years and we start to see them exhibited in the second trimester, the 6-12 years.
 
The third phase is as "heavy as 3rd trimester of pregnancy," the one that you want to be over quickly and that can end in tears, screaming and pain. While relationships can go bad quickly and severely during this time, the teenage-years stereotype is preventable by being thoughtful and aware during the first two trimesters and using this time to prepare for the third one. Jan tells parents that "each trimester needs a planned focus for the next." For example, learning the proper anatomical names of our body parts at 3 or 4 eases the sex talks at 8 or 10. Treating your child how you plan to treat them as adults, how you treat other adults in your life and how you expect them to treat you when they are 6, 16 and 26 instils the respect and confidence they need to maintain a healthy relationship.
 
I mentioned to Jan Barbara Coloroso's observation that parenting is not efficient; yelling from the other room to ask someone to take out the garbage is not going to work. You have to stop what you are doing, go into the other room and ask politely and with respect. Jan agrees that in the short term it can be called inefficient, but she has seen that overall, the extra work you do on a daily basis makes for a much easier third trimester and adulthood relationships and a healthy young adult.
 
Jan calls the 12-18 years the "avoid and annoy" period of an adolescent's life. The young person may simply be acting out their next developmental phase and being in the moment, but for us parents who remember "back when you used to cuddle with me and not talk back," the sudden and drastic change from complete  protection and control to an attitude of "I avoid you; you annoy me" and rejection of you can be frustrating and hurtful.
 
This is also the time when the physical part of the relationship changes. During these ages, fathers stop hugging and cuddling their daughters. It can be a sad and uncomfortable change, but Jan recommends keeping some appropriate physically interactive activities with your daughter. It can be sports (coaching a team is a great way), camping or hiking, or even teaching her to saw and hammer where you are side by side, adjusting her hand on the tool. Jan shares that she always cooked with her two sons and enjoyed a physical closeness that way. Being side by side at the counter while each person is working on their own task or putting your hand on a shoulder to move someone out of the way to get a spoon is subtle, constant and comfortable closeness that can continue through the third trimester. All these activities include an emotional aspect and they work to convey trust and a belief in your child's abilities, even equality with you.
 
As for what seems like a sudden, unexplained rejection, Jan illuminates that "abdication does not happen when they are twelve; I build the abdication through the messages" of the first years, and whether trust is established and consistent. From 12-18 we think that we have to let go of things emotionally and physically, but Jan warns that it is not the time to let go, only the time to evolve. While we get to choose and control everything our child does and eats, everyone she sees and spends time with in the early years, that power and ability disappears by the third trimester. If you put in the time and effort to teach what you want to teach in the early years, you will see it all pay off here. But, she points out, if you do not teach your elementary school kids how to spend time after school (some planned group activities, homework, family time), then don't expect them to be at band practice after class once high school is done for the day. Jan warns that they may end up in front of the 7-11 for hours three nights a week.
 
Be honest with your child from the beginning if you want them to be honest with you, particularly in the teenage years. If you have not been honest with your 8 year old, Jan asks, why would she be honest with you when she is 16?
 
As with all phases, knowing that this third, less pleasant phase is coming and will not last can be helpful in weathering the time. And you can minimize it by starting in the earlier phases to prepare for the next. We are ready to help our child walk once we see they can crawl; we just need to remember that our job does not end when school starts or when the teenage years begin. Be mindful of how you raise your children and remember that how you treat your 6 year old will be revisited upon you by them when they are 16.

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